Essay

The Poisoned Gift

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Stop me if you’ve heard this one: “The one with the real power in a D/s relationship is the submissive, because they can choose to revoke their submission any time they want.” I hear this idea pretty frequently, and it’s always struck me as a really weird thing to believe. Do people think that the […]

Essay

Collar Inspirations

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Last week I wrote about assumptions and manners for behaving well around collars in kinky community. This week I add some ideas for using collars in your own relationships. It remains a great truth that there is no One True Way to do it, and the best set of rules and rituals around collaring is […]

Essay

Collar Manners

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There is no more powerful and widely recognized symbol of submission than the collar. Collars are used in all kinds of different kink communities and in a myriad of styles, from a leatherman’s heavy chain and padlock to a kitty’s belled ribbon, but everywhere they are understood to signify ownership. Some people, and a few […]

Essay

The Imperative Mood

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We’re having dinner with friends. She says to me, “Those potatoes look delicious. Would you like to pass them to me?” and I smile. We’re in the car. I’m driving while she navigates. She says, “You want to take the next left,” and I feel proud of her. She’s giving instructions for a party game. […]

Essay

Negotiation Tip: Get to the Heart of Desire

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I have a bone to pick with negotiation checklists. Anyone who’s looked for education or advice on how to negotiate for the kinky experiences you want has seen these things recommended. They’re these multi-page lists of every kinky activity the list author could conceive of, where you’re supposed to rate each one on some scale […]

Erotica

Going For the Brass Ring

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Whenever she sat down in a staff meeting, the slave liked to imagine that everyone in the room could hear her rings click. A big part of her wanted them to—wanted the professional mask she wore five days a week to be humiliatingly shattered, revealing her true nature to the world. But that was not […]

Essay

Protecting Yourself From False Allegations

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Do you worry about false accusations? Maybe you’ve seen someone get drummed out of some kinky community with no trial, no police report, no physical evidence, and maybe even with no chance to tell their side of the story—just because someone accused them of violating consent. What if the accuser was just making it all […]

Essay

Five to One

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There’s this pop-psychology idea running around that a healthy relationship has five positive interactions for every one negative one. I don’t know about the exact math, but I love the general insight that negative and positive interactions balance one another in a relationship, but they don’t balance one another evenly. If your partner forgets to […]