Essay

Slave or Submissive?

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“There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.” —Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker If you ever want to start a fruitless argument among any group of power exchange enthusiasts, just ask them […]

Essay

Reality Check

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I once had a partner who I loved and whose happiness was super important to me. As her lover and her top I was particularly invested in her sexual satisfaction; I wanted to know all about her passions and her fantasies, and to be part of realizing the ones she wanted to see made real. […]

Dominant Technique

Consensualy Masterful

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There’s this seeming paradox in what’s expected of those of us who aspire to dominate. On the one hand, we’re supposed to be masterful. We’re supposed to be the kind of people who always have to have things their own way, and who bend others to their will. On the other hand, we’re supposed to […]

Essay

Mentor Someone

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I’m always hearing that the world of kink doesn’t have enough mentoring, or that we used to have mentors but we’re losing that tradition. Our communities have multiplied, fragmented and spread out across the breadth of the Internet. Everyone doesn’t go to the same bar and belong to the same club like they used to. […]

Essay

Topping From the Bottom is too A Real Thing

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I just read another essay arguing that topping from the bottom doesn’t really exist—that the phrase is just a way that people try to shame bottoms for having limits, expressing preferences or negotiating for what they want. And yeah: that totally happens. I see “topping from the bottom” get used that way all too frequently, […]

Essay

The One Most Important Thing For Having Smoking Hot Scenes

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There are so many things to learn in order to create hot BDSM scenes. There’s technique with ropes or paddles or knives or exotic electrical toys. There are communication skills for reading your partner, communicating your desires, and setting the mood. There’s cultivating the confidence and emotional maturity that it takes to go deep and […]

Essay

Can “No-Limits” Be Real?

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Hi! You’ve been linked to this essay because the kinky forum you came from has been derailed by an argument over whether or not no-limits power relationships can be a real thing, and the person who posted the link is hoping that maybe you can cut that argument short and get back to whatever more […]

Dominant Technique

Inspiring Submission

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A little excerpt from my shiny new book, The Heart of Dominance. The first lesson to learn on the path to competent dominance is that we cannot make anyone do anything. I don’t mean that just in the context of consensual dominance either. I mean that no one can ever truly make anyone do anything. […]